Big Bad B Names

Baisley — What’s worse than Paisley?  BAISLEY.
Bambi — YES I KNOW IT’S A REAL NAME.  But come on.
Basil — Bad enough for boys, but for a girl?
Bassy — Her brother is called Trouty.
Beautiful, Beauty — Giving your kid a name like this is just begging for an ironic outcome.
Believe — Believe that this name stinks.
Beretta — Pew pew!  Guns.
Bless, Blessed, Blessin, Blessing, Blessings — This name needs five iterations like I need my arms and legs chopped off.
Bliss — No, no, no.
Blimy — This is some sort of Yiddish creation.  Still bad.
Bonita — I had a suspicion, so I researched this, and apparently using this name in Spanish is just as dumb as naming your kid “Pretty” in English.
Boston — I love the city of Boston, but this name doesn’t belong on your child.
Bracey — I don’t care enough to look this up to see if it’s Yiddish or just straight stupid.
Bowie — Whether you’re talking about David or the knife, this is a bad name for a baby girl.
Brandalyn — Take the world’s trashiest quasi-legit name and tack a superfluous -LYN on the end.  What could go wrong?
Bravery — Now your kid will be brave FOR SURE.
Braxton — These parents didn’t own a baby name book so they picked a name from the pre-labor part of their pregnancy book.
Breck, Breckyn, Brecklyn — Blech.
Breeze, Breezy — On the plus side, she won’t have to use a stage name at the strip club.
Breon — Rhymes with freon, neon, Leon, peon, and horrid.
Bronx — If you’re going to use a place name, at least pick one that sounds sort of like a person name?  I don’t know.

Pathetic P Names, Part Two

Continuing down the list of questionable, weird, and outright horrid names…

PENROSE — Uses in 2014: 6 / Rank in 2014: 5850

The last time this was used as a name was in 1926, when it was given to five boys.  I’m thinking there’s a reason no one uses this name, and the reason is that it’s not a name for a person.  The only places you’ll find this listed as a “baby name” are those ridiculous websites that also give specious origins and meanings for names like Waffle and Tire Iron.  In case you’re wondering, the actual meaning of Penrose is “top moor.”

PEPPER — Uses in 2014: 157 / Rank in 2014: 1126

Surprisingly, this has been used as a name for both boys and girls since the 1930s, albeit in extremely low numbers.  It spiked up to 132 uses in 1975, although I can’t figure out why.  It then dropped back into obscurity until the late 2000s, when it began slowly rising again, perhaps due to the Iron Man character.  The strong resemblance to Piper must also be a huge factor.  I will admit I don’t totally hate this name, but I don’t understand why anyone would use it when there are way more legit choices out there that aren’t a condiment.  I am filing this one under “Only Slightly Offensive.”

PEREGRINE — Uses in 2014: 7 / Rank in 2014: 14108

The history of the name Peregrine stretches all the way back to 1998, when the legendary Prince Peregrine laid siege to a Starbucks in lower Seattle and freed the white chocolate cinnamon chai lattes from the evil overlord King Koffee for all the citizens of the kingdom to enjoy forevermore.  OR people are idiots and will choose any random word for a name, including a bird also known as a “duck hawk.”  I’ll let you decide which of these explanations is the truth.

PERSIA — Uses in 2014: 21 / Rank in 2014: 3186

For some reason, people love naming their kids after geographical locations.  Asia, Ireland, Sahara, Scotland, Egypt, Dallas, Boston, Paris–no location is safe from the Younique Naymers.  I wonder if the parents who used Persia also considered Iran.  Thankfully, this name seems to have peaked in 2007 with 73 uses and with any luck will drop off the charts again.

PFEIFFER — Uses in 2014: 7 / Rank in 2014: 5853

When you love the name Piper, except for all those “P” sounds, consider Pfeiffer!  Haha, just kidding.  Do not name your kid Pfeiffer, unless you don’t want them to learn to spell their name until they’re 16 years old.

PIERCE — Uses in 2014: 11 / Rank in 2014: 4386

Have you noticed that the names on this list are so far so dumb you can’t tell whether I’m picking them from the boys’ or girls’ side?  I will break the suspense; these are all names given to girls.  And Pierce is not a girl name.  It’s just not.  Even for a boy, it’s kind of ridiculous, but I’ll grudgingly accept it.  But for a girl?  No way.  Stop it, you guys.  STOP STEALING THE BOY NAMES.

PISTOL — Uses in 2014: 5 / Rank in 2014: 6497

Do you want your kid to be made fun of always?  Do you feel pride when you shoot your neighbor’s dog?  Do you want everyone to think you’re a redneck with a double digit IQ?  Then name your child Pistol.

PIXIE — Uses in 2014: 9 / Rank in 2014: 4800

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POE — Uses in 2014: 5 / Rank in 2014: 6498

These parents read The Raven and had a choice to make.  They could name their daughter Lenore, or they could name her Poe.  They chose wrong.

POET — Uses in 2014: 9 / Rank in 2014: 4801

POETRY — Uses in 2014: 7 / Rank in 2014: 5409

The parents of Poet and Poetry also read The Raven, and made an even worse choice than Poe’s parents.  Congratulations!  Your baby name sucks most!

POLLYANNA — Uses in 2014: 9 / Rank in 2014: 4802

In 2032, college roommates Pollyanna and Lolita (#3568) will swap war stories about the times they were mocked for their names.  Lolita’s stories will win, but only by a hair.

PORTER — Uses in 2014: 40 / Rank in 2014: 2295

I’m totally okay with this name for actual porters.  However, baby girls are never porters, due to child labor laws.  Therefore, this name is never okay for baby girls.

PRAIRIE — Uses in 2014: 10 / Rank in 2014: 4571

Prairie.  Because Heather and Meadow are WAY TOO COMMON at 300 uses each.  My child needs to be UNIQUE!

PRAISE — Uses in 2014: 37 / Rank in 2014: 2375

The irony is that this name sucks and no one will praise it.  Hahaha.  Hahahahahahahaha.

PRECIOUS — Uses in 2014: 131 / Rank in 2014: 1242

If you’re thinking about naming your child Precious, here is a series of questions to ask yourself before making a decision: 1) Do I want my child to ever be taken seriously? 2) Am I watching Lord of the Rings right now? 3) Am I high or drunk right now?  If you answer any of these questions with “yes” or “no,” do not name your child Precious.

PRESLEY — Uses in 2014: 2272 / Rank in 2014: 175

I’m pretty sure this name is all Paisley’s fault, because Elvis has been dead for too many years to blame it on him.

PRESLYNN — Uses in 2014: 23 / Rank in 2014: 3049

I feel bad for teachers now.  They must look at their class lists and want to kill themselves. “Payton, Presley, Paisley, Paislyn, Preslynn, Pepper, Peptobismol.  Mom was right, I should have studied marketing.  Goddamn it.”

PRESTON — Uses in 2014: 34 / Rank in 2014: 2483

A list of things I imagine Preston’s parents saying to her:

  • “Preston, how many times have I told you, Dora the Explorer is for the commoners?”
  • “Oh, Preston, did you spill Perrier on your Galliano bubble dress AGAIN?”
  • “Preston Alexandra Carrington Carmichael!  Mommy’s prize orchids are NOT toys!”

So, go ahead and use this name if you’re a rich asshole.  Otherwise, don’t.

PRETTY — Uses in 2014: 5 / Rank in 2014: 6501

Why name your girl the perfectly serviceable Linda when you can skip all the history and doublespeak and just outright name her Pretty?  Surely if you name her pretty, she’ll BE pretty.  Right?  RIGHT???

PRIM — Uses in 2014: 21 / Rank in 2014: 3188

Yes, I know this name appears in a recent popular work of teen fiction.  Here’s what I’m telling you: it still sucks.  If you absolutely must call your child Prim, at least use Primrose as the full name.  That way when she’s a grownup and out of your clutches, she can change it to Rose if she wants.  Or something else that doesn’t suck.

PRINCESS — Uses in 2014: 254 / Rank in 2014: 855

This is almost as good as Pretty.  Almost.  Nice try, Princess moms, but you’re not as clever as Pretty’s mom, are you?  Because your daughter will never be a princess, even with plastic surgery and a ton of makeup.

PRISTINE — Uses in 2014: 9 / Rank in 2014: 4805

It’s like Christine, but in a mirror world where every girl’s name is a godawful black hole of suck.  Oh wait, that’s this world.  Shit.

PRYNN — Uses in 2014: 5 / Rank in 2014: 6506

When I typed this name into Google, it asked me if I meant Prynne.  Then it was like, “You know who Hester Prynne is, right?”  And I was like, “Yes, Google, but I just want to know if this is a real name anywhere besides The Scarlet Letter,” and Google was like, “Sure, here’s a link to a post on a horrible baby naming website by some woman who named her other kids Preston, Parker, and Paige and now wants to name their little sister Prynn.”  And then I cried.

PURITY — Uses in 2014: 11 / Rank in 2014: 4389

Really???  Fuck you.

Puketastic P Names, Prima Parte

P names are all the rage.  Parker, Penelope, Phoebe, Phoenix, Paisley, Presley, and Piper are all climbing the charts, while Paige and Peyton still maintain a strong presence.  Some of these are really lovely names.  And some of them suck.  Luckily, you have me to tell you what’s what, because forming opinions is hard and should be left up to the experts (in case you are still confused, that expert is me).  Let’s break this shit down, in alphabetical order.

PAILYN — Uses in 2014: 74 / Rank in 2014: 1709

This is a great name to start off the list, because it’s abso-fucking-lutely awful.  If you hate humans and cute kittens, this is a great name for you.  This name is for people who can’t decide between the not-quite-as-hideous Peyton and the overdone Caitlin.  Just remove the pesky “T”, because consonants are for boys and losers, and you’re good to go.

PAISLEY — Uses in 2014: 6053 / Rank in 2014: 57

Somehow this name abortion has used its evil, malformed talons to claw its way up to number 57 on the charts.  A little history: this name-who-shall-not-be-named first appeared as a given name in 1966.  This isn’t surprising, considering a) how many people wore hippy clothes in the 60s, and b) how many of those people were high 100% of the time.  However, the name remained extremely rare until the late 80s/early 90s, which as we all know was the primordial ooze of Bad Naming, the era from which All Naymes Terrabelle sprung.  So now we are stuck with this shitty polyester shirt of a “name.”  Thanks a lot, hippies.

PAISLYNN — Uses in 2014: 19 / Rank in 2014: 3357

It’s like Paisley, but even worse.  If you’re considering bestowing this name on an innocent baby, you should also consider murdering your own face.

PALAK — Uses in 2014: 6 / Rank in 2014: 5843

I Googled this name because I figured it had to mean something besides spinach.  It also apparently means eyelid.  So yeah, it still sucks.

PALMER — Uses in 2014: 191 / Rank in 2014: 1067

I’m not sure why you’d name a baby girl after a boring town in Western Massachusetts, but okay.  Just kidding!  It’s not okay.  It’s a stupid, bad name.

PANTERA — Uses in 2014: 9 / Rank in 2014: 4798

So these are all the reasons you’d use this name, in order of likelihood: 1) You really like heavy metal way too much, 2) You really like cars way too much, or 3) You want to name your kid after a panther.  I’m going to give this to you straight: you are horrible at naming humans and probably definitely shouldn’t accept that responsibility.

PARADISE — Uses in 2014: 31 / Rank in 2014: 2596

Other names on the 2014 list the parents of wee baby Paradise considered: Heavenly, Nevaeh, Myracle, Myunique.  Obviously, none of these are as cute as Paradise!

PARIS — Uses in 2014: 1274 / Rank in 2014: 297

This name makes me think of Paris Hilton and therefore it sucks.

PASSION — Uses in 2014: 34 / Rank in 2014: 2482

Never, never, never, ever, ever name your child something that means sex.

PATTON — Uses in 2014: 7 / Rank in 2014: 5404

When I first saw this name, I wondered if it was a “unique” spelling of Peyton.  Then I marathon watched an entire season of Scandal in an attempt to forget about this name.  It didn’t work.

PAW — Uses in 2014: 25 / Rank in 2014: 2943

I’m sure some asshole will eventually come along and tell me how Paw means “sacred goddess of light” in the extinct language of the Old Order Hittites.  You know what?  You still named your kid after a cat’s body part, and you have to live with that.

PAXTON — Uses in 2014: 94 / Rank in 2014: 1492

I bet Bill Paxton is ecstatic that 94 baby girls were named after him in 2014.  He’s probably dancing around his living room in front of his 80″ TV, which is showing the “game over” scene from Aliens on a continuous loop, and crying tears of joy because he is relevant again.  By the way, that mental picture is the only good thing that will ever come from this name.

PAYDEN — Uses in 2014: 49 / Rank in 2014: 2101

I hope all the Paydens have the last name Cash or Full.  That would be so awesome.

PAYSON — Uses in 2014: 143 / Rank in 2014: 1185

First contest on this blog: If you can correctly guess all five spellings of Payson, I will mail you a pancake spelled Pannecayke.  See also: Payden.

PEBBLES — Uses in 2014: 7 too many / Rank in 2014: 5407

Why???

PELLA — Uses in 2014: 8 / Rank in 2014: 5056

Pella is an adorable little town in Iowa with a delicious bakery, a kickass Klokkenspel, a wicked cool windmill, and a fancy-cute hotel.  What Pella is not is a girl’s name.  So just cut it out.

PEMBERLEY — Uses in 2014: 14 / Rank in 2014: 3885

I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that all the weirdos who used this name on a real person also suffer from a personality disorder that causes them to believe they are Jane Austen.

PENLEY — Uses in 2014: 8 / Rank in 2014: 5057

Seriously, you can choose from countless thousands of legit names, and you choose Penley?  Are you an alien, or just a fucking idiot?  Please email me or leave a comment and let me know which, because I’m honestly curious.

 

Oh shit.  I’m not even halfway through the P names?!  More to come…

Go home, T names. You’re drunk.

So, for the past month I’ve been tallying up the boy names to make a more accurate Top 1000 list.  I’m almost done–just two letters (T and V) to go.  Last time I did this, for the 2012 list, I never finished counting the boy names.  Until last night I couldn’t figure out why.

Then I got to the “T” names.  And then I remembered.

Boy parents, you suck.

It was all looking pretty good for the first five entries:

Taahir 6
Taaj 7
Taavi 9
Tabari 9
Taber 5

Not too bad, right?  Those look pretty legit.  But then.  BUT THEN…

Tabias 10
Tabius 7

What is this?  Some new foreign name?  No.  No, of course not.  It’s just alternate spellings for the increasingly popular Tobias.  Well, at least little Tabias will be super unique, except for the other nine kids with the same misspelling of his name.

Next problem.  The “name” Talon, or Taylen, or Terrible, or whatever it’s supposed to be.

TALON Talon 494 Taelon 7 Taelyn 12 Talan 104 Talen 68 Talin 37 Tallan 8 Tallen 22 Tallin 5 Tallon 27 Talyn 28 Taylin 26 Taylan 29 Taylen 75 Taylon 40 Thailan 8 Thailen 5

Because this name puzzled me, I googled it.  And guess what I discovered?  This may surprise you, but Talon is not a name.  It’s a bird claw.  You know, like on a hawk or a pigeon?  More like a pigeon, actually.  Talon is the dirty pigeon claw of the name world.

TAYSON Taysen 12 Tayson 48 Taeson 5 Taison 8 Tason 7 Taycen 6

Jason and Mason got you down with their legitimate spellings and meanings?  Yearning for something completely fake, so you can look at the top 1000 and smugly state, “My child has a unique name!”  Consider Tayson.  You asshole.

TEAGAN Teagan 212 Teagen 38 Teagon 7 Tegan 77 Teegan 78 Teghan 9 Teigan 16 Teigen 17 Teighan 5 Taegan 16 Tagen 6 Taygen 5

“What should we name the baby, honey?”

“How about Teagan?  We can use it for a boy or a girl.”

“How cute!  How should we spell it?”

“Who cares.”

TUCKER Tucker 2406 Tukker 6

TUKKER.  Rhymes with sucker.  And fucker.

TRUETT Truett 92 Truitt 49

According to Google, S. Truett Cathy was the guy who founded Chick-fil-A.  I don’t want to believe this is why people are using the name, but it probably is.  I bet they’re not using Cathy, though.  How boring–a name that’s already a name!

FYI, S. Truett Cathy called his kids Trudy and Bubba.  I guess he was a shitty namer too.

Tron 11

When I write the naming laws of the United States, Provision 5 will read, “No citizen, under any circumstances, is to name his or her child Tron.  Not even after the movie.”

Trigger 24

“The gun or the horse?”

If someone has to ask you this question about your baby’s name, you probably shouldn’t have used it.

This works for Colt, too.

Trapper 35

There are two reasons to use the name Trapper.  The first is that you love semi-obscure 80s TV shows.  The second is that you suck.  I’m betting all the parents of those 35 Trappers fall into the second category.

TRENDON Trendyn 7 Trendan 5 Trenden 6 Trendon 13

Hey, you.  You, who want something trendy, but are way, way too lazy to actually think of a name.  Here’s a name for you.  You’re welcome.

Trek 12

For people who love Star Trek but don’t want to use any of the hundreds of legitimate names associated with the show, there is Trek.

Taiga 16

taiga

 

taiga2

TAKODA Takoda 41 Takota 10

Takoda is an American Indian name meaning “Cut it the fuck out, white people.  Jesus Christ.”

Talus 6

Meanings of Talus:

1. A bone in the ankle.

2. A rocky slope.

3. A giant bronze robot dude made by Hephaestus.

I think probably most people who used this name were thinking of #2.

Tank 6

Tank is an alternative to the hugely popular and lovely name Thomas.  What I’m saying here is no one should ever name their kid Tank.  Tank sounds like something you heat water in, or something armies use to kill people.  Either way, it’s a stupid thing to call a human being.  If you named your kid Tank, and you’re reading this, you should probably definitely kill yourself.

Tarquin 5

There’s actually nothing wrong with Tarquin.  This is an example of a legitimate but rarely used name.  Just wanted to see if you were paying attention.

Teancum 9

“Hmm, what name could we use? We’d like a religious one, but as obscure as possible.  A name that could never cause any teasing, especially in the sensitive teen years. I’ve got it!  TEANCUM!”

….and I’m out.

Silly “C” Names (Boys)

As always, real names given to baby boys born in 2012 (numbers represent the number of children with the name).

Cable,10

Cajun,5

Caliber,8

Camp,6

Camry,6

Captain,17

Catcher,8

Champ,42  Champion,25

Chapel,9

Cheston,31  Chestin,6

Chipper,7

Choice,7

Crist,9  Christ,29

Cinch,19

Cloud,23

Crash,6

Creek,13

Chaos,11  Khaos,6

Carrion,5  Carion,7  Karion,7

Are you a Uneek Naymer? The Top 11 Warning Signs.

Do you suspect you may be a Uneek Naymer?  Don’t be caught off guard and succumb to this affliction!  Here are the top 11 warning signs of this illness.

1. You become upset when you hear someone has used “your” name.

Example: “Jennifer named her daughter Hayden!  Can you believe that?!  She knew I liked that name for my next child!!!”

Reality: No one owns a baby name.  Even if your friend really did hear you say the name and “stole” it from you, there is nothing you can do about it (except whine).  Remember, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and chances are you’re both imitating thousands of other people, anyway.

Recommendation: Relax.

2. You believe that spelling a common name differently makes it different, less popular, or “unique,” and therefore magically better.  (See also: #3)

Example: Operating under the delusion that your child will somehow stand out amongst the tens of thousands of Emilys, you name her “Emmeleigh” instead.

Reality: Spelling a common name differently does not make it special.  It makes it a common name spelled in a bizarre fashion, that your child will have to spell out over and over and over again, for the rest of their lives.  Hint: “It’s Emily, but with two Ms, an E, and a -leigh on the end” is something no one should ever have to say.

Recommendation: For God’s sake, spell the name the right way.

3. You think a certain spelling of a name makes it cuter.  (See also: #2)

Example: “I don’t like Michaela, but McKayelah is just so CUTE!”

Reality: Sorry, but this isn’t cute.  At all.

Recommendation:  Is “your” name pronounced in approximately the same way as the original?  Then just use the regular spelling.

4. You don’t quite understand what “unique” means.

Example: You think “unique” means “less common” or “nifty” or “special.”

Reality: Unique means one of a kind.  As in ONE of a kind, meaning ZERO others exist.  Unique does NOT mean “slightly unusual” or “pretty” or “kind of cool” or whatever you’re thinking it might mean.  It’s important to understand the distinction because  it’s very, very, very unlikely you will pick a name, or a spelling of a name, for your child that has never been used in the history of the Earth.  Therefore, when you go around braying (Braylynn?) about your “unique” name, you come off sounding rather idiotic.

Recommendation: Learn what unique actually means.  Then stop pretending your name is unique.

5. You think using a boy name for a girl is always fine, 100% of the time.

Example: “I love the name Brandon for a girl!  It’s cute!  It’s spunky!  It’s original!”

Reality: Using a boy’s name on a girl is not objectively cute or spunky, nor will it imbue your girl child with these characteristics.  However, it will confuse new teachers for the next 20 years, and the post office, doctors, the IRS, new acquaintances, and other form readers for the rest of your child’s life.  I guarantee you are not the only one using the name in this fashion, so once again, originality is a poor excuse.   Plus, this thinking results in a constant reduction of the name pool for boys, which is annoying.

Recommendation: Please just choose a nice girl’s name and stop confusing everyone.

6. You think “Y” is a feminine letter.

Example: The errant belief that Jordyn is the female spelling of Jordan.

Reality: Somehow, over the past 20 years or so, this has become a thing, to the point where some people think that fracked-up invented “Y” spellings such as Baylee, Shayne, and Jordyn are the genuine and correct female versions of the male names Bailey, Shane, and Jordan.  Truly, they believe it, like a newly converted Jehovah’s Witness.  Is this you?  Then cut it out.  Now, let me point out that sex-based spellings DO have some historical basis (and there is often a solid etymological basis for it); however, this is not what’s going on here.  This is not a legit language or history thing.  This is a misguided Uneek Naymer thing.

Recommendation: You know what I’m going to say… just spell the name correctly.

7. Nothing can convince you that the name you chose was popular, or getting popular, when YOU used it.

Example: “There were NO Aidans back in 2007!  Really.  NONE.  Look it up.”

Reality: What’s going on here is you wanted to pick a “unique” name and failed, and in order to continue this delusion, you must now pull a Journey and won’t stop believin’.  No amount of statistics, baby name books, charts, articles from 2007 on the trendiness of the name Aidan, or 12 other Aidans in your child’s classroom will ever convince you.  Because you are a Uneek Naymer, and your children will have only Uneek Naymes.

Recommendation: I originally typed: “None.  You’re a hopeless case.”  I am feeling a little nicer now that it’s no longer 3:00AM, so I’ll say instead: Please just LOOK at the data before you start splurging out craziness.  It’s not other people’s fault you suck at predicting trends.  Hunh.  Maybe that’s not nicer.

8. You think “X” is a masculine letter.

Example: “I think Jaxxon looks so much stronger than Jackson!”

Reality:  Look, there are some legit and lovely X names, like Xavier, Alexander, Max, and, well, Xavier.  HOWEVER.  Inserting X (and especially TWO Xs) into any dang name does not make it look better.  The real-world effect of inserting X where it doesn’t belong ranges from “What, why?” to “Holy fuck does that look stupid.”  X-Mania has also led to some highly questionable entries on the boy list such as Braxx, Eryx, Lynx, Matrix, Nyx, and Shaddix.  Braxx?  What the hell?  Calm down, people.  Your baby is not an antihero in a futuristic prison break film.

Recommendation: If you love the letter “X” that much, use a name that is legitimately spelled with an X.  But please stop assaulting innocent X-less names with your four-bladed weapon of destruction.

9. The suffixes “-aylee” and “-ayden” are your consonant equalizers.

Example: “Braylee, Kaylee, Maylee, or Jaylee?  They are all so pretty I can’t decide!”

Reality: Again, there are a few legitimate names with an actual historical basis that use these sounds, mainly Aidan and Bailey.  You could make a case for Hayden and Hailey as well–not a great one, as those weren’t really used as first names until the 80s, but in court you’d stand a chance as there are towns and planetariums and comets and shit with those names.  But honestly–Zaylee?  Raiden?  The biggest problem with these names is there is typically no thought put into them beyond “Oooo that sounds kinda cute” and thus we end up with these nightmare constructions with no standardized spelling, no history, no melody, and no common sense.  Note that the people who use these names also tend to be the ones who squawk the loudest about #1 and #7.

Recommendation: Just no.

10. You believe the prefix “Mc” is awesome to stick on just about anything.

Example: “McKaylin is such a great name!  Or maybe I’ll spell it Makaylynne to be unique.”

Reality: The McName phenomenon traces its roots, such as they are, to the double-barreled late 70s/early 80s assault by Mackenzie/Michaela.  Yes, once upon a time, these were pretty much the only McNames in use, and Michaela was actually spelled properly.  Unfortunately, a collective someone thought it would be awesome to stick “Mc” on the beginning of every damn thing, and despite the fact “Mc” is a MALE prefix meaning “son of” in Gaelic, these names became popular for girls.  Inexplicably, aside from a minor “Mackenzie” bump in the 80s, the McNames never made it into the boy charts, which is where they would be in an ideal world.  Now there are so many of these “names” and they are so ridiculous that hearing them makes me want to puke sparkly rainbows and magical unicorns all over your girl child.  Just sayin’.

Recommendation: If you really, really, really have to use a McName on a girl, stick to the “classics” (gaaah) of Mackenzie and Michaela. At least they have some legitimacy.  And for the love of Jeebus spell them right.

11. You have read this list and still think  McRayleigh is a lovely, legitimate name that NO ONE else would ever think of and that your spelling is the cutest and bestest evarrrr.

Reality: You are an idiot.