Big Bad B Names

Baisley — What’s worse than Paisley?  BAISLEY.
Bambi — YES I KNOW IT’S A REAL NAME.  But come on.
Basil — Bad enough for boys, but for a girl?
Bassy — Her brother is called Trouty.
Beautiful, Beauty — Giving your kid a name like this is just begging for an ironic outcome.
Believe — Believe that this name stinks.
Beretta — Pew pew!  Guns.
Bless, Blessed, Blessin, Blessing, Blessings — This name needs five iterations like I need my arms and legs chopped off.
Bliss — No, no, no.
Blimy — This is some sort of Yiddish creation.  Still bad.
Bonita — I had a suspicion, so I researched this, and apparently using this name in Spanish is just as dumb as naming your kid “Pretty” in English.
Boston — I love the city of Boston, but this name doesn’t belong on your child.
Bracey — I don’t care enough to look this up to see if it’s Yiddish or just straight stupid.
Bowie — Whether you’re talking about David or the knife, this is a bad name for a baby girl.
Brandalyn — Take the world’s trashiest quasi-legit name and tack a superfluous -LYN on the end.  What could go wrong?
Bravery — Now your kid will be brave FOR SURE.
Braxton — These parents didn’t own a baby name book so they picked a name from the pre-labor part of their pregnancy book.
Breck, Breckyn, Brecklyn — Blech.
Breeze, Breezy — On the plus side, she won’t have to use a stage name at the strip club.
Breon — Rhymes with freon, neon, Leon, peon, and horrid.
Bronx — If you’re going to use a place name, at least pick one that sounds sort of like a person name?  I don’t know.

Pathetic P Names, Part Two

Continuing down the list of questionable, weird, and outright horrid names…

PENROSE — Uses in 2014: 6 / Rank in 2014: 5850

The last time this was used as a name was in 1926, when it was given to five boys.  I’m thinking there’s a reason no one uses this name, and the reason is that it’s not a name for a person.  The only places you’ll find this listed as a “baby name” are those ridiculous websites that also give specious origins and meanings for names like Waffle and Tire Iron.  In case you’re wondering, the actual meaning of Penrose is “top moor.”

PEPPER — Uses in 2014: 157 / Rank in 2014: 1126

Surprisingly, this has been used as a name for both boys and girls since the 1930s, albeit in extremely low numbers.  It spiked up to 132 uses in 1975, although I can’t figure out why.  It then dropped back into obscurity until the late 2000s, when it began slowly rising again, perhaps due to the Iron Man character.  The strong resemblance to Piper must also be a huge factor.  I will admit I don’t totally hate this name, but I don’t understand why anyone would use it when there are way more legit choices out there that aren’t a condiment.  I am filing this one under “Only Slightly Offensive.”

PEREGRINE — Uses in 2014: 7 / Rank in 2014: 14108

The history of the name Peregrine stretches all the way back to 1998, when the legendary Prince Peregrine laid siege to a Starbucks in lower Seattle and freed the white chocolate cinnamon chai lattes from the evil overlord King Koffee for all the citizens of the kingdom to enjoy forevermore.  OR people are idiots and will choose any random word for a name, including a bird also known as a “duck hawk.”  I’ll let you decide which of these explanations is the truth.

PERSIA — Uses in 2014: 21 / Rank in 2014: 3186

For some reason, people love naming their kids after geographical locations.  Asia, Ireland, Sahara, Scotland, Egypt, Dallas, Boston, Paris–no location is safe from the Younique Naymers.  I wonder if the parents who used Persia also considered Iran.  Thankfully, this name seems to have peaked in 2007 with 73 uses and with any luck will drop off the charts again.

PFEIFFER — Uses in 2014: 7 / Rank in 2014: 5853

When you love the name Piper, except for all those “P” sounds, consider Pfeiffer!  Haha, just kidding.  Do not name your kid Pfeiffer, unless you don’t want them to learn to spell their name until they’re 16 years old.

PIERCE — Uses in 2014: 11 / Rank in 2014: 4386

Have you noticed that the names on this list are so far so dumb you can’t tell whether I’m picking them from the boys’ or girls’ side?  I will break the suspense; these are all names given to girls.  And Pierce is not a girl name.  It’s just not.  Even for a boy, it’s kind of ridiculous, but I’ll grudgingly accept it.  But for a girl?  No way.  Stop it, you guys.  STOP STEALING THE BOY NAMES.

PISTOL — Uses in 2014: 5 / Rank in 2014: 6497

Do you want your kid to be made fun of always?  Do you feel pride when you shoot your neighbor’s dog?  Do you want everyone to think you’re a redneck with a double digit IQ?  Then name your child Pistol.

PIXIE — Uses in 2014: 9 / Rank in 2014: 4800

forest-fairy-costume-5706--3059-p

POE — Uses in 2014: 5 / Rank in 2014: 6498

These parents read The Raven and had a choice to make.  They could name their daughter Lenore, or they could name her Poe.  They chose wrong.

POET — Uses in 2014: 9 / Rank in 2014: 4801

POETRY — Uses in 2014: 7 / Rank in 2014: 5409

The parents of Poet and Poetry also read The Raven, and made an even worse choice than Poe’s parents.  Congratulations!  Your baby name sucks most!

POLLYANNA — Uses in 2014: 9 / Rank in 2014: 4802

In 2032, college roommates Pollyanna and Lolita (#3568) will swap war stories about the times they were mocked for their names.  Lolita’s stories will win, but only by a hair.

PORTER — Uses in 2014: 40 / Rank in 2014: 2295

I’m totally okay with this name for actual porters.  However, baby girls are never porters, due to child labor laws.  Therefore, this name is never okay for baby girls.

PRAIRIE — Uses in 2014: 10 / Rank in 2014: 4571

Prairie.  Because Heather and Meadow are WAY TOO COMMON at 300 uses each.  My child needs to be UNIQUE!

PRAISE — Uses in 2014: 37 / Rank in 2014: 2375

The irony is that this name sucks and no one will praise it.  Hahaha.  Hahahahahahahaha.

PRECIOUS — Uses in 2014: 131 / Rank in 2014: 1242

If you’re thinking about naming your child Precious, here is a series of questions to ask yourself before making a decision: 1) Do I want my child to ever be taken seriously? 2) Am I watching Lord of the Rings right now? 3) Am I high or drunk right now?  If you answer any of these questions with “yes” or “no,” do not name your child Precious.

PRESLEY — Uses in 2014: 2272 / Rank in 2014: 175

I’m pretty sure this name is all Paisley’s fault, because Elvis has been dead for too many years to blame it on him.

PRESLYNN — Uses in 2014: 23 / Rank in 2014: 3049

I feel bad for teachers now.  They must look at their class lists and want to kill themselves. “Payton, Presley, Paisley, Paislyn, Preslynn, Pepper, Peptobismol.  Mom was right, I should have studied marketing.  Goddamn it.”

PRESTON — Uses in 2014: 34 / Rank in 2014: 2483

A list of things I imagine Preston’s parents saying to her:

  • “Preston, how many times have I told you, Dora the Explorer is for the commoners?”
  • “Oh, Preston, did you spill Perrier on your Galliano bubble dress AGAIN?”
  • “Preston Alexandra Carrington Carmichael!  Mommy’s prize orchids are NOT toys!”

So, go ahead and use this name if you’re a rich asshole.  Otherwise, don’t.

PRETTY — Uses in 2014: 5 / Rank in 2014: 6501

Why name your girl the perfectly serviceable Linda when you can skip all the history and doublespeak and just outright name her Pretty?  Surely if you name her pretty, she’ll BE pretty.  Right?  RIGHT???

PRIM — Uses in 2014: 21 / Rank in 2014: 3188

Yes, I know this name appears in a recent popular work of teen fiction.  Here’s what I’m telling you: it still sucks.  If you absolutely must call your child Prim, at least use Primrose as the full name.  That way when she’s a grownup and out of your clutches, she can change it to Rose if she wants.  Or something else that doesn’t suck.

PRINCESS — Uses in 2014: 254 / Rank in 2014: 855

This is almost as good as Pretty.  Almost.  Nice try, Princess moms, but you’re not as clever as Pretty’s mom, are you?  Because your daughter will never be a princess, even with plastic surgery and a ton of makeup.

PRISTINE — Uses in 2014: 9 / Rank in 2014: 4805

It’s like Christine, but in a mirror world where every girl’s name is a godawful black hole of suck.  Oh wait, that’s this world.  Shit.

PRYNN — Uses in 2014: 5 / Rank in 2014: 6506

When I typed this name into Google, it asked me if I meant Prynne.  Then it was like, “You know who Hester Prynne is, right?”  And I was like, “Yes, Google, but I just want to know if this is a real name anywhere besides The Scarlet Letter,” and Google was like, “Sure, here’s a link to a post on a horrible baby naming website by some woman who named her other kids Preston, Parker, and Paige and now wants to name their little sister Prynn.”  And then I cried.

PURITY — Uses in 2014: 11 / Rank in 2014: 4389

Really???  Fuck you.

Puketastic P Names, Prima Parte

P names are all the rage.  Parker, Penelope, Phoebe, Phoenix, Paisley, Presley, and Piper are all climbing the charts, while Paige and Peyton still maintain a strong presence.  Some of these are really lovely names.  And some of them suck.  Luckily, you have me to tell you what’s what, because forming opinions is hard and should be left up to the experts (in case you are still confused, that expert is me).  Let’s break this shit down, in alphabetical order.

PAILYN — Uses in 2014: 74 / Rank in 2014: 1709

This is a great name to start off the list, because it’s abso-fucking-lutely awful.  If you hate humans and cute kittens, this is a great name for you.  This name is for people who can’t decide between the not-quite-as-hideous Peyton and the overdone Caitlin.  Just remove the pesky “T”, because consonants are for boys and losers, and you’re good to go.

PAISLEY — Uses in 2014: 6053 / Rank in 2014: 57

Somehow this name abortion has used its evil, malformed talons to claw its way up to number 57 on the charts.  A little history: this name-who-shall-not-be-named first appeared as a given name in 1966.  This isn’t surprising, considering a) how many people wore hippy clothes in the 60s, and b) how many of those people were high 100% of the time.  However, the name remained extremely rare until the late 80s/early 90s, which as we all know was the primordial ooze of Bad Naming, the era from which All Naymes Terrabelle sprung.  So now we are stuck with this shitty polyester shirt of a “name.”  Thanks a lot, hippies.

PAISLYNN — Uses in 2014: 19 / Rank in 2014: 3357

It’s like Paisley, but even worse.  If you’re considering bestowing this name on an innocent baby, you should also consider murdering your own face.

PALAK — Uses in 2014: 6 / Rank in 2014: 5843

I Googled this name because I figured it had to mean something besides spinach.  It also apparently means eyelid.  So yeah, it still sucks.

PALMER — Uses in 2014: 191 / Rank in 2014: 1067

I’m not sure why you’d name a baby girl after a boring town in Western Massachusetts, but okay.  Just kidding!  It’s not okay.  It’s a stupid, bad name.

PANTERA — Uses in 2014: 9 / Rank in 2014: 4798

So these are all the reasons you’d use this name, in order of likelihood: 1) You really like heavy metal way too much, 2) You really like cars way too much, or 3) You want to name your kid after a panther.  I’m going to give this to you straight: you are horrible at naming humans and probably definitely shouldn’t accept that responsibility.

PARADISE — Uses in 2014: 31 / Rank in 2014: 2596

Other names on the 2014 list the parents of wee baby Paradise considered: Heavenly, Nevaeh, Myracle, Myunique.  Obviously, none of these are as cute as Paradise!

PARIS — Uses in 2014: 1274 / Rank in 2014: 297

This name makes me think of Paris Hilton and therefore it sucks.

PASSION — Uses in 2014: 34 / Rank in 2014: 2482

Never, never, never, ever, ever name your child something that means sex.

PATTON — Uses in 2014: 7 / Rank in 2014: 5404

When I first saw this name, I wondered if it was a “unique” spelling of Peyton.  Then I marathon watched an entire season of Scandal in an attempt to forget about this name.  It didn’t work.

PAW — Uses in 2014: 25 / Rank in 2014: 2943

I’m sure some asshole will eventually come along and tell me how Paw means “sacred goddess of light” in the extinct language of the Old Order Hittites.  You know what?  You still named your kid after a cat’s body part, and you have to live with that.

PAXTON — Uses in 2014: 94 / Rank in 2014: 1492

I bet Bill Paxton is ecstatic that 94 baby girls were named after him in 2014.  He’s probably dancing around his living room in front of his 80″ TV, which is showing the “game over” scene from Aliens on a continuous loop, and crying tears of joy because he is relevant again.  By the way, that mental picture is the only good thing that will ever come from this name.

PAYDEN — Uses in 2014: 49 / Rank in 2014: 2101

I hope all the Paydens have the last name Cash or Full.  That would be so awesome.

PAYSON — Uses in 2014: 143 / Rank in 2014: 1185

First contest on this blog: If you can correctly guess all five spellings of Payson, I will mail you a pancake spelled Pannecayke.  See also: Payden.

PEBBLES — Uses in 2014: 7 too many / Rank in 2014: 5407

Why???

PELLA — Uses in 2014: 8 / Rank in 2014: 5056

Pella is an adorable little town in Iowa with a delicious bakery, a kickass Klokkenspel, a wicked cool windmill, and a fancy-cute hotel.  What Pella is not is a girl’s name.  So just cut it out.

PEMBERLEY — Uses in 2014: 14 / Rank in 2014: 3885

I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that all the weirdos who used this name on a real person also suffer from a personality disorder that causes them to believe they are Jane Austen.

PENLEY — Uses in 2014: 8 / Rank in 2014: 5057

Seriously, you can choose from countless thousands of legit names, and you choose Penley?  Are you an alien, or just a fucking idiot?  Please email me or leave a comment and let me know which, because I’m honestly curious.

 

Oh shit.  I’m not even halfway through the P names?!  More to come…

Go home, T names. You’re drunk.

So, for the past month I’ve been tallying up the boy names to make a more accurate Top 1000 list.  I’m almost done–just two letters (T and V) to go.  Last time I did this, for the 2012 list, I never finished counting the boy names.  Until last night I couldn’t figure out why.

Then I got to the “T” names.  And then I remembered.

Boy parents, you suck.

It was all looking pretty good for the first five entries:

Taahir 6
Taaj 7
Taavi 9
Tabari 9
Taber 5

Not too bad, right?  Those look pretty legit.  But then.  BUT THEN…

Tabias 10
Tabius 7

What is this?  Some new foreign name?  No.  No, of course not.  It’s just alternate spellings for the increasingly popular Tobias.  Well, at least little Tabias will be super unique, except for the other nine kids with the same misspelling of his name.

Next problem.  The “name” Talon, or Taylen, or Terrible, or whatever it’s supposed to be.

TALON Talon 494 Taelon 7 Taelyn 12 Talan 104 Talen 68 Talin 37 Tallan 8 Tallen 22 Tallin 5 Tallon 27 Talyn 28 Taylin 26 Taylan 29 Taylen 75 Taylon 40 Thailan 8 Thailen 5

Because this name puzzled me, I googled it.  And guess what I discovered?  This may surprise you, but Talon is not a name.  It’s a bird claw.  You know, like on a hawk or a pigeon?  More like a pigeon, actually.  Talon is the dirty pigeon claw of the name world.

TAYSON Taysen 12 Tayson 48 Taeson 5 Taison 8 Tason 7 Taycen 6

Jason and Mason got you down with their legitimate spellings and meanings?  Yearning for something completely fake, so you can look at the top 1000 and smugly state, “My child has a unique name!”  Consider Tayson.  You asshole.

TEAGAN Teagan 212 Teagen 38 Teagon 7 Tegan 77 Teegan 78 Teghan 9 Teigan 16 Teigen 17 Teighan 5 Taegan 16 Tagen 6 Taygen 5

“What should we name the baby, honey?”

“How about Teagan?  We can use it for a boy or a girl.”

“How cute!  How should we spell it?”

“Who cares.”

TUCKER Tucker 2406 Tukker 6

TUKKER.  Rhymes with sucker.  And fucker.

TRUETT Truett 92 Truitt 49

According to Google, S. Truett Cathy was the guy who founded Chick-fil-A.  I don’t want to believe this is why people are using the name, but it probably is.  I bet they’re not using Cathy, though.  How boring–a name that’s already a name!

FYI, S. Truett Cathy called his kids Trudy and Bubba.  I guess he was a shitty namer too.

Tron 11

When I write the naming laws of the United States, Provision 5 will read, “No citizen, under any circumstances, is to name his or her child Tron.  Not even after the movie.”

Trigger 24

“The gun or the horse?”

If someone has to ask you this question about your baby’s name, you probably shouldn’t have used it.

This works for Colt, too.

Trapper 35

There are two reasons to use the name Trapper.  The first is that you love semi-obscure 80s TV shows.  The second is that you suck.  I’m betting all the parents of those 35 Trappers fall into the second category.

TRENDON Trendyn 7 Trendan 5 Trenden 6 Trendon 13

Hey, you.  You, who want something trendy, but are way, way too lazy to actually think of a name.  Here’s a name for you.  You’re welcome.

Trek 12

For people who love Star Trek but don’t want to use any of the hundreds of legitimate names associated with the show, there is Trek.

Taiga 16

taiga

 

taiga2

TAKODA Takoda 41 Takota 10

Takoda is an American Indian name meaning “Cut it the fuck out, white people.  Jesus Christ.”

Talus 6

Meanings of Talus:

1. A bone in the ankle.

2. A rocky slope.

3. A giant bronze robot dude made by Hephaestus.

I think probably most people who used this name were thinking of #2.

Tank 6

Tank is an alternative to the hugely popular and lovely name Thomas.  What I’m saying here is no one should ever name their kid Tank.  Tank sounds like something you heat water in, or something armies use to kill people.  Either way, it’s a stupid thing to call a human being.  If you named your kid Tank, and you’re reading this, you should probably definitely kill yourself.

Tarquin 5

There’s actually nothing wrong with Tarquin.  This is an example of a legitimate but rarely used name.  Just wanted to see if you were paying attention.

Teancum 9

“Hmm, what name could we use? We’d like a religious one, but as obscure as possible.  A name that could never cause any teasing, especially in the sensitive teen years. I’ve got it!  TEANCUM!”

….and I’m out.

The “A”wful Truth, Boy Edition

Aydrian,23  Aidrian,6  Adrion,20  Adryan,66  Adryen,13  Adriyan,7  Adrean,22  Adrienne,5  Adrien,335  Adrianne,5  Adriann,9  Adriane,6  Adreyan,7  Aydrien,19  Adrian,6900

Ayren,7  Ayron,13  Airen,14  Ahren,18  Ahron,29  Aeron,25  Aeryn,9  Ehren,16  Ehron,6  Erron,9  Eron,18  Erin,62  Aran,32  Aren,42  Aryn,10  Aaran,10  Aaren,22  Arin,56  Aaryn,23  Aarron,11  Aarin,26  Arron,43  Arren,8  Aron,330  Arran,9  Aaron,7478

Ayiden,12  Aiyden,51  Aadon,7  Aayden,137  Aaydan,6  Ayedin,12  Ayeden,21  Aydyn,22  Aydon,45  Aydn,13  Aydin,329  Aydenn,129  Ayden,6181  Aydden,9  Aydann,5  Aydan,335  Aedyn,43  Aedon,16  Aedin,9  Aeden,76  Aedan,164  Adynn,10  Adenn,6  Adan,863  Adden,6  Aden,1142  Adin,100  Adon,37  Adyn,84  Aeyden,7  Aiiden,6  Aieden,6  Aidynn,6  Aidyn,281  Aidon,19  Aidin,32  Aidden,25  Aidenn,23  Aidan,3189  Aaidyn,11  Aaiden,60  Aadyn,48  Aadin,10  Aaden,222  Aadan,11  Aiden,14779

Andrej,13  Andrae,25  Andray,8  Andrei,84  Andree,30  Aundrey,5  Aundre,29  Aundray,5  Andre,1441

Antwone,35  Antwuan,9  Antwon,87  Antuan,17  Antwoine,14  Antwaun,20  Antwan,140  Antjuan,11  Antoinne,6  Antoine,248

Armahni,5  Armonie,8  Armany,9  Armanni,10  Armanii,12  Armanie,9  Armoni,49  Armani,635

Arrion,6  Arrian,5  Aerion,9  Aarian,12  Ayrian,6  Aryon,8  Aryion,6  Aryian,8  Aryen,7  Aryaan,7  Ariyon,9  Ariyan,22  Arieon,9  Arien,22  Areyon,5  Aarion,14  Aaryan,93  Arian,364  Arion,79  Aryan,351

Asheton,6  Ashden,21  Ashdon,13  Ashdyn,6  Ashten,45  Ashtin,57  Ashtyn,70  Ashton,2792

Athen,48  Aithan,17  Aithen,11  Aythan,8  Aathan,5  Athan,122

Avory,16  Avree,6  Avry,28  Avrey,13  Avari,6  Avary,6  Averee,7  Averey,10  Averi,13  Averie,14  Avery,1998

Aveon,18  Ayvion,5  Avien,14  Avyan,26  Avyaan,7  Avian,58

Akxel,6  Aksel,84  Axzel,7  Axyl,20  Axxel,8  Axle,58  Axl,102  Axcel,13  Axell,24  Acxel,11  Axel,2464

Aiyan,5  Aian,5  Ahyan,9  Aayan,94  Aayaan,5  Ayhan,8  Ayyan,13  Ayaan,355  Ayan,118

Aeson,36  Aason,5  Aisen,5  Ason,7  Acein,5  Aceyn,7  Acen,33  Aceson,15  Aysen,5  Aycen,11  Ayson,27

Aiven,34  Aaven,5  Avyn,17  Ayvin,8  Avan,93  Aven,172  Ayven,22

Aamir,114  Emir,155  Amyr,10  Amear,5  Amer,21  Ameir,42  Amere,39  Ameer,207  Amier,22  Amiere,8  Amiir,7  Amirr,5  Amire,46  Ahmeir,7  Ahmere,12  Ahmeer,5  Ahmir,100  Amir,1455

The Terrible Ts: A Small Sampling of Madness

Completely pretend:

Tayzlee,5 Taisley,15
Taylie,14 Tayli,10 Tayleigh,17 Taylee,104 Tailee,7
Tayton,5 Tayten,5
Tylynn,21 Tylyn,8 Tylin,11

Slightly disturbing:

Talon,24
Terrica,7

Questionable place names:

Texas,5
Tapanga,9 Topanga,16
Torrance,22

I don’t know why anyone would use these:

Tymber,18 Timber,33
Timberly,10
Timberlynn,5

Unfortunate spelling variations:

Trynity,13 Tryniti,5 Trynitee,5 Trinnity,10 Trinity,3201 Trinitie,13 Triniti,97 Trinitey,6 Trinitee,93 Trinidy,26 Trinidee,5 Trinady,8 Trenidy,5 Trenity,58 Treniti,5 Trinaty,9

Girls named after last names of dead, eccentric, famous men:

Tesla,100
Tennyson,15

Hopefully supported by solid evidence:

Theory,8

Just no:

Trezure,16 Treazure,26 Treasure,242