So, for the past month I’ve been tallying up the boy names to make a more accurate Top 1000 list. I’m almost done–just two letters (T and V) to go. Last time I did this, for the 2012 list, I never finished counting the boy names. Until last night I couldn’t figure out why.
Then I got to the “T” names. And then I remembered.
Boy parents, you suck.
It was all looking pretty good for the first five entries:
Not too bad, right? Those look pretty legit. But then. BUT THEN…
What is this? Some new foreign name? No. No, of course not. It’s just alternate spellings for the increasingly popular Tobias. Well, at least little Tabias will be super unique, except for the other nine kids with the same misspelling of his name.
Next problem. The “name” Talon, or Taylen, or Terrible, or whatever it’s supposed to be.
|TALON||Talon 494 Taelon 7 Taelyn 12 Talan 104 Talen 68 Talin 37 Tallan 8 Tallen 22 Tallin 5 Tallon 27 Talyn 28 Taylin 26 Taylan 29 Taylen 75 Taylon 40 Thailan 8 Thailen 5|
Because this name puzzled me, I googled it. And guess what I discovered? This may surprise you, but Talon is not a name. It’s a bird claw. You know, like on a hawk or a pigeon? More like a pigeon, actually. Talon is the dirty pigeon claw of the name world.
|TAYSON||Taysen 12 Tayson 48 Taeson 5 Taison 8 Tason 7 Taycen 6|
Jason and Mason got you down with their legitimate spellings and meanings? Yearning for something completely fake, so you can look at the top 1000 and smugly state, “My child has a unique name!” Consider Tayson. You asshole.
|TEAGAN||Teagan 212 Teagen 38 Teagon 7 Tegan 77 Teegan 78 Teghan 9 Teigan 16 Teigen 17 Teighan 5 Taegan 16 Tagen 6 Taygen 5|
“What should we name the baby, honey?”
“How about Teagan? We can use it for a boy or a girl.”
“How cute! How should we spell it?”
|TUCKER||Tucker 2406 Tukker 6|
TUKKER. Rhymes with sucker. And fucker.
|TRUETT||Truett 92 Truitt 49|
According to Google, S. Truett Cathy was the guy who founded Chick-fil-A. I don’t want to believe this is why people are using the name, but it probably is. I bet they’re not using Cathy, though. How boring–a name that’s already a name!
FYI, S. Truett Cathy called his kids Trudy and Bubba. I guess he was a shitty namer too.
When I write the naming laws of the United States, Provision 5 will read, “No citizen, under any circumstances, is to name his or her child Tron. Not even after the movie.”
“The gun or the horse?”
If someone has to ask you this question about your baby’s name, you probably shouldn’t have used it.
This works for Colt, too.
There are two reasons to use the name Trapper. The first is that you love semi-obscure 80s TV shows. The second is that you suck. I’m betting all the parents of those 35 Trappers fall into the second category.
|TRENDON||Trendyn 7 Trendan 5 Trenden 6 Trendon 13|
Hey, you. You, who want something trendy, but are way, way too lazy to actually think of a name. Here’s a name for you. You’re welcome.
For people who love Star Trek but don’t want to use any of the hundreds of legitimate names associated with the show, there is Trek.
|TAKODA||Takoda 41 Takota 10|
Takoda is an American Indian name meaning “Cut it the fuck out, white people. Jesus Christ.”
Meanings of Talus:
1. A bone in the ankle.
2. A rocky slope.
3. A giant bronze robot dude made by Hephaestus.
I think probably most people who used this name were thinking of #2.
Tank is an alternative to the hugely popular and lovely name Thomas. What I’m saying here is no one should ever name their kid Tank. Tank sounds like something you heat water in, or something armies use to kill people. Either way, it’s a stupid thing to call a human being. If you named your kid Tank, and you’re reading this, you should
probably definitely kill yourself.
There’s actually nothing wrong with Tarquin. This is an example of a legitimate but rarely used name. Just wanted to see if you were paying attention.
“Hmm, what name could we use? We’d like a religious one, but as obscure as possible. A name that could never cause any teasing, especially in the sensitive teen years. I’ve got it! TEANCUM!”
….and I’m out.