Pathetic P Names, Part Two

Continuing down the list of questionable, weird, and outright horrid names…

PENROSE — Uses in 2014: 6 / Rank in 2014: 5850

The last time this was used as a name was in 1926, when it was given to five boys.  I’m thinking there’s a reason no one uses this name, and the reason is that it’s not a name for a person.  The only places you’ll find this listed as a “baby name” are those ridiculous websites that also give specious origins and meanings for names like Waffle and Tire Iron.  In case you’re wondering, the actual meaning of Penrose is “top moor.”

PEPPER — Uses in 2014: 157 / Rank in 2014: 1126

Surprisingly, this has been used as a name for both boys and girls since the 1930s, albeit in extremely low numbers.  It spiked up to 132 uses in 1975, although I can’t figure out why.  It then dropped back into obscurity until the late 2000s, when it began slowly rising again, perhaps due to the Iron Man character.  The strong resemblance to Piper must also be a huge factor.  I will admit I don’t totally hate this name, but I don’t understand why anyone would use it when there are way more legit choices out there that aren’t a condiment.  I am filing this one under “Only Slightly Offensive.”

PEREGRINE — Uses in 2014: 7 / Rank in 2014: 14108

The history of the name Peregrine stretches all the way back to 1998, when the legendary Prince Peregrine laid siege to a Starbucks in lower Seattle and freed the white chocolate cinnamon chai lattes from the evil overlord King Koffee for all the citizens of the kingdom to enjoy forevermore.  OR people are idiots and will choose any random word for a name, including a bird also known as a “duck hawk.”  I’ll let you decide which of these explanations is the truth.

PERSIA — Uses in 2014: 21 / Rank in 2014: 3186

For some reason, people love naming their kids after geographical locations.  Asia, Ireland, Sahara, Scotland, Egypt, Dallas, Boston, Paris–no location is safe from the Younique Naymers.  I wonder if the parents who used Persia also considered Iran.  Thankfully, this name seems to have peaked in 2007 with 73 uses and with any luck will drop off the charts again.

PFEIFFER — Uses in 2014: 7 / Rank in 2014: 5853

When you love the name Piper, except for all those “P” sounds, consider Pfeiffer!  Haha, just kidding.  Do not name your kid Pfeiffer, unless you don’t want them to learn to spell their name until they’re 16 years old.

PIERCE — Uses in 2014: 11 / Rank in 2014: 4386

Have you noticed that the names on this list are so far so dumb you can’t tell whether I’m picking them from the boys’ or girls’ side?  I will break the suspense; these are all names given to girls.  And Pierce is not a girl name.  It’s just not.  Even for a boy, it’s kind of ridiculous, but I’ll grudgingly accept it.  But for a girl?  No way.  Stop it, you guys.  STOP STEALING THE BOY NAMES.

PISTOL — Uses in 2014: 5 / Rank in 2014: 6497

Do you want your kid to be made fun of always?  Do you feel pride when you shoot your neighbor’s dog?  Do you want everyone to think you’re a redneck with a double digit IQ?  Then name your child Pistol.

PIXIE — Uses in 2014: 9 / Rank in 2014: 4800


POE — Uses in 2014: 5 / Rank in 2014: 6498

These parents read The Raven and had a choice to make.  They could name their daughter Lenore, or they could name her Poe.  They chose wrong.

POET — Uses in 2014: 9 / Rank in 2014: 4801

POETRY — Uses in 2014: 7 / Rank in 2014: 5409

The parents of Poet and Poetry also read The Raven, and made an even worse choice than Poe’s parents.  Congratulations!  Your baby name sucks most!

POLLYANNA — Uses in 2014: 9 / Rank in 2014: 4802

In 2032, college roommates Pollyanna and Lolita (#3568) will swap war stories about the times they were mocked for their names.  Lolita’s stories will win, but only by a hair.

PORTER — Uses in 2014: 40 / Rank in 2014: 2295

I’m totally okay with this name for actual porters.  However, baby girls are never porters, due to child labor laws.  Therefore, this name is never okay for baby girls.

PRAIRIE — Uses in 2014: 10 / Rank in 2014: 4571

Prairie.  Because Heather and Meadow are WAY TOO COMMON at 300 uses each.  My child needs to be UNIQUE!

PRAISE — Uses in 2014: 37 / Rank in 2014: 2375

The irony is that this name sucks and no one will praise it.  Hahaha.  Hahahahahahahaha.

PRECIOUS — Uses in 2014: 131 / Rank in 2014: 1242

If you’re thinking about naming your child Precious, here is a series of questions to ask yourself before making a decision: 1) Do I want my child to ever be taken seriously? 2) Am I watching Lord of the Rings right now? 3) Am I high or drunk right now?  If you answer any of these questions with “yes” or “no,” do not name your child Precious.

PRESLEY — Uses in 2014: 2272 / Rank in 2014: 175

I’m pretty sure this name is all Paisley’s fault, because Elvis has been dead for too many years to blame it on him.

PRESLYNN — Uses in 2014: 23 / Rank in 2014: 3049

I feel bad for teachers now.  They must look at their class lists and want to kill themselves. “Payton, Presley, Paisley, Paislyn, Preslynn, Pepper, Peptobismol.  Mom was right, I should have studied marketing.  Goddamn it.”

PRESTON — Uses in 2014: 34 / Rank in 2014: 2483

A list of things I imagine Preston’s parents saying to her:

  • “Preston, how many times have I told you, Dora the Explorer is for the commoners?”
  • “Oh, Preston, did you spill Perrier on your Galliano bubble dress AGAIN?”
  • “Preston Alexandra Carrington Carmichael!  Mommy’s prize orchids are NOT toys!”

So, go ahead and use this name if you’re a rich asshole.  Otherwise, don’t.

PRETTY — Uses in 2014: 5 / Rank in 2014: 6501

Why name your girl the perfectly serviceable Linda when you can skip all the history and doublespeak and just outright name her Pretty?  Surely if you name her pretty, she’ll BE pretty.  Right?  RIGHT???

PRIM — Uses in 2014: 21 / Rank in 2014: 3188

Yes, I know this name appears in a recent popular work of teen fiction.  Here’s what I’m telling you: it still sucks.  If you absolutely must call your child Prim, at least use Primrose as the full name.  That way when she’s a grownup and out of your clutches, she can change it to Rose if she wants.  Or something else that doesn’t suck.

PRINCESS — Uses in 2014: 254 / Rank in 2014: 855

This is almost as good as Pretty.  Almost.  Nice try, Princess moms, but you’re not as clever as Pretty’s mom, are you?  Because your daughter will never be a princess, even with plastic surgery and a ton of makeup.

PRISTINE — Uses in 2014: 9 / Rank in 2014: 4805

It’s like Christine, but in a mirror world where every girl’s name is a godawful black hole of suck.  Oh wait, that’s this world.  Shit.

PRYNN — Uses in 2014: 5 / Rank in 2014: 6506

When I typed this name into Google, it asked me if I meant Prynne.  Then it was like, “You know who Hester Prynne is, right?”  And I was like, “Yes, Google, but I just want to know if this is a real name anywhere besides The Scarlet Letter,” and Google was like, “Sure, here’s a link to a post on a horrible baby naming website by some woman who named her other kids Preston, Parker, and Paige and now wants to name their little sister Prynn.”  And then I cried.

PURITY — Uses in 2014: 11 / Rank in 2014: 4389

Really???  Fuck you.

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