P names are all the rage. Parker, Penelope, Phoebe, Phoenix, Paisley, Presley, and Piper are all climbing the charts, while Paige and Peyton still maintain a strong presence. Some of these are really lovely names. And some of them suck. Luckily, you have me to tell you what’s what, because forming opinions is hard and should be left up to the experts (in case you are still confused, that expert is me). Let’s break this shit down, in alphabetical order.
PAILYN — Uses in 2014: 74 / Rank in 2014: 1709
This is a great name to start off the list, because it’s abso-fucking-lutely awful. If you hate humans and cute kittens, this is a great name for you. This name is for people who can’t decide between the not-quite-as-hideous Peyton and the overdone Caitlin. Just remove the pesky “T”, because consonants are for boys and losers, and you’re good to go.
PAISLEY — Uses in 2014: 6053 / Rank in 2014: 57
Somehow this name abortion has used its evil, malformed talons to claw its way up to number 57 on the charts. A little history: this name-who-shall-not-be-named first appeared as a given name in 1966. This isn’t surprising, considering a) how many people wore hippy clothes in the 60s, and b) how many of those people were high 100% of the time. However, the name remained extremely rare until the late 80s/early 90s, which as we all know was the primordial ooze of Bad Naming, the era from which All Naymes Terrabelle sprung. So now we are stuck with this shitty polyester shirt of a “name.” Thanks a lot, hippies.
PAISLYNN — Uses in 2014: 19 / Rank in 2014: 3357
It’s like Paisley, but even worse. If you’re considering bestowing this name on an innocent baby, you should also consider murdering your own face.
PALAK — Uses in 2014: 6 / Rank in 2014: 5843
I Googled this name because I figured it had to mean something besides spinach. It also apparently means eyelid. So yeah, it still sucks.
PALMER — Uses in 2014: 191 / Rank in 2014: 1067
I’m not sure why you’d name a baby girl after a boring town in Western Massachusetts, but okay. Just kidding! It’s not okay. It’s a stupid, bad name.
PANTERA — Uses in 2014: 9 / Rank in 2014: 4798
So these are all the reasons you’d use this name, in order of likelihood: 1) You really like heavy metal way too much, 2) You really like cars way too much, or 3) You want to name your kid after a panther. I’m going to give this to you straight: you are horrible at naming humans and
probably definitely shouldn’t accept that responsibility.
PARADISE — Uses in 2014: 31 / Rank in 2014: 2596
Other names on the 2014 list the parents of wee baby Paradise considered: Heavenly, Nevaeh, Myracle, Myunique. Obviously, none of these are as cute as Paradise!
PARIS — Uses in 2014: 1274 / Rank in 2014: 297
This name makes me think of Paris Hilton and therefore it sucks.
PASSION — Uses in 2014: 34 / Rank in 2014: 2482
Never, never, never, ever, ever name your child something that means sex.
PATTON — Uses in 2014: 7 / Rank in 2014: 5404
When I first saw this name, I wondered if it was a “unique” spelling of Peyton. Then I marathon watched an entire season of Scandal in an attempt to forget about this name. It didn’t work.
PAW — Uses in 2014: 25 / Rank in 2014: 2943
I’m sure some asshole will eventually come along and tell me how Paw means “sacred goddess of light” in the extinct language of the Old Order Hittites. You know what? You still named your kid after a cat’s body part, and you have to live with that.
PAXTON — Uses in 2014: 94 / Rank in 2014: 1492
I bet Bill Paxton is ecstatic that 94 baby girls were named after him in 2014. He’s probably dancing around his living room in front of his 80″ TV, which is showing the “game over” scene from Aliens on a continuous loop, and crying tears of joy because he is relevant again. By the way, that mental picture is the only good thing that will ever come from this name.
PAYDEN — Uses in 2014: 49 / Rank in 2014: 2101
I hope all the Paydens have the last name Cash or Full. That would be so awesome.
PAYSON — Uses in 2014: 143 / Rank in 2014: 1185
First contest on this blog: If you can correctly guess all five spellings of Payson, I will mail you a pancake spelled Pannecayke. See also: Payden.
PEBBLES — Uses in 2014: 7 too many / Rank in 2014: 5407
PELLA — Uses in 2014: 8 / Rank in 2014: 5056
Pella is an adorable little town in Iowa with a delicious bakery, a kickass Klokkenspel, a wicked cool windmill, and a fancy-cute hotel. What Pella is not is a girl’s name. So just cut it out.
PEMBERLEY — Uses in 2014: 14 / Rank in 2014: 3885
I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that all the weirdos who used this name on a real person also suffer from a personality disorder that causes them to believe they are Jane Austen.
PENLEY — Uses in 2014: 8 / Rank in 2014: 5057
Seriously, you can choose from countless thousands of legit names, and you choose Penley? Are you an alien, or just a fucking idiot? Please email me or leave a comment and let me know which, because I’m honestly curious.
Oh shit. I’m not even halfway through the P names?! More to come…